When it’s time to end a relationship it can be harder to be the dumper than the dumpee. Having to do the dumping sets you up as the rejector, and it’s easy to feel guilty knowing how hard rejection can be. Therefore neither party dumps the other. Bad relationships continue unnecessarily, to the detriment of all concerned.

Yet this need not be. A successful dump, if embarked upon correctly, can be a wondrous, freeing gift. The key is to yes, do it for yourself, but more so for the benefit of your partner, releasing you both to find more suitable lovers. The operative methodology can be summed up in two words— sensitivity and tact. Here are some examples:

1. I’m wrong for you. You aren’t wrong for me, I’m wrong for you. We aren’t sexually compatible, esp. good if let’s say she’s your standard nympho and you’re a tad on the kinky side— e.g. your bedroom looks like the Tower of London. Or if she’s in her twenties and gorgeous while you’re white-haired, toothless, and foxed as a Book of Hours.

2. We’re like vinegar and baking soda (kids used to mix them for fuel for rockets). Let her be the vinegar, the coolest of the two— baking soda is a boring white powder. If you lead her to believe she’s the particulated one she’ll think you’re equating her with Lot’s wife, and it’s as much a mistake to mix scripture and dumping as it is salt and soda.

3. It can’t last, so better to end it now. Let’s say the sex is the best you’ve ever had, yet in all other respects you find her excruciating. Even if she calls you the next Einstein and kowtows in your presence, insist that you must therefore be extremely boring to her and that you should end it, even if it forces you into marrying an overseas bride.

4. You’re so beautiful I can’t think, therefore I can’t finish my novel. The novel you are trying to write might be within the context of a fantasy role-playing game, but that’s not the point. If she counters by promising henceforth to be more muse than siren, you can decline on grounds of safety by saying that your smoke detector batteries are dead.

5. The new direction. You know what the least favorite activity of your partner is— tell her that you’ve decided to seriously take that up, so you want to spare her. If for example she hates disco, turn the largest room of your house into a dance floor, complete with sound and light. Then invite cute college-age girls over to try it out.

6. The monk. Announce that you’ve decided to get serious about your spirituality and you want her to join in your quest. Ask her to financially support you while you take up chanting, meditation, and gardening. Promise her that the first thing you will pray for is that she will get longer hours at work so the two of you can still make ends meet.